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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26605777">love of criticism (paused)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/elfjaem/pseuds/elfjaem'>elfjaem</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>NCT (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Circus, Angst, Circus, Clowns, Dead Parents, Enemies to Lovers, Everyone Is Gay, Gay Male Character, M/M, Multi, Threesome - M/M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 04:21:59</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,279</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26605777</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/elfjaem/pseuds/elfjaem</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Jaemin is a clown. Literally a clown. </p><p>Jeno is a famous show critic.</p><p>What happens when Jeno gives a bad review to Jaemin's circus?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Huang Ren Jun &amp; Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Huang Ren Jun &amp; Lee Donghyuck | Haechan &amp; Mark Lee, Huang Ren Jun &amp; Mark Lee, Huang Ren Jun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Huang Ren Jun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee, Huang Ren Jun/Mark Lee, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan &amp; Mark Lee, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee, Lee Jeno &amp; Na Jaemin, Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hello! This is my first time writing a fic in English since it is not my first language. If you see any mistake, don't hesitate to comment! All reviews are welcome.<br/>If you are afraid of clowns, you don't have to read this! but there is no horror scene or anything like that related to them. jaemin is more like a cute clown!<br/>Hope you like it!<br/>Twitter: @elfjaem &gt; feel free to talk to me!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="align-justify">Jaemin is a clown. Literally a clown. He's one of those clowns who makes funny faces and pretends to fall down with a banana peel. Jaemin loves children, and children love him. Jaemin loves the circus too. His circus. His little circus. And every day when the circus opens, he expects the evening show to be amazing</p><p class="align-justify">And today is no exception.</p><p class="align-justify">Jaemin, as always, enters the circus with a smile. Everyone greets him and he greets them back. Jaemin enters the clown's dressing room and sits in front of the mirror, next to Mark, who finishes putting on his makeup.</p><p class="align-justify">"<strong>Why do you put on makeup? Your face already looks like a clown's</strong>" Jaemin jokes. </p><p class="align-justify">"<strong>The same joke. Again. Really?</strong>" Mark asks with his raised eyebrows.</p><p class="align-justify">"<strong>It's not a joke though.</strong>" Renjun chimes in, who is sitting behind the boys. "<strong>I'm leaving</strong>" he says as he stands up. "<strong>I'm going to practice for a while before the show.</strong>”</p><p class="align-justify">Renjun leaves the room and closes the door.</p><p class="align-justify">Jaemin looks at Mark.</p><p class="align-justify">"<strong>Will you ever tell him?</strong>" Jaemin asks.</p><p class="align-justify">"<strong>Not yet</strong>" Mark mumbles, without looking away from the mirror. "<strong>I don't want to be a clown in things like love too.</strong>" </p><p class="align-justify">Jaemin smiles slightly. "<strong>It would be a romantic circus love story. Can you imagine it?</strong>"</p><p class="align-justify">Mark laughs. "<strong>Yeah, whatever. I'm leaving too. Make up quickly.</strong>" Mark stands up.</p><p class="align-justify"><strong>"Hey, I'm the boss of the circus.</strong>" Jaemin frowns, pretending to be angry.</p><p class="align-justify">Mark smiles. "<strong>But I'm the leader of the clowns and you're one, so shut up.</strong>” And Mark ruffles Jaemin's hair before he leaves.</p><p class="align-justify">As Jaemin finishes putting on his makeup and clothes for the show, he looks at the time and realizes there are only 10 minutes left to go. Desperate, he runs to tell everyone to get ready. </p><p class="align-justify">Jaemin loves the circus, but being the boss of the circus is exhausting.</p><p class="align-justify">He tells the host to go on stage and start the show. The audience is small, but like every night, Jaemin feels his nerves take over his body before he goes on stage.</p><p class="align-justify">"<strong>And now I leave you with your favorite clowns: Markie and Nana!</strong>" the host finishes saying before leaving the stage. </p><p class="align-justify">Jaemin and Mark enter and the few children present start screaming. Jaemin loves that feeling every time a child looks at him with a smile.</p><p class="align-justify">They do the same thing as always. Mark is the serious clown and Jaemin is the silly clown. The children laugh, and the parents laugh at their children. Jaemin knows it's not a big show, not a big circus, but for him, making at least one child laugh is enough.</p><p class="align-justify">He wish he could maintain a circus with the laughter of a child.</p><p class="align-justify">Jaemin and Mark finish their performance and Renjun and other acrobats come out on stage. It's the parents' favorite part. The acrobats' show is perfect as always, and the whole audience applauds them. Then come the jugglers and, to finish, the magician.</p><p class="align-justify">Jaemin has to monitor every performance, and he's lucky that Mark and Renjun are always there to help him.</p><p class="align-justify">The show ends and people applaud as they all come out to say goodbye.</p><p class="align-justify">It's an ordinary day, and everything was perfect as usual.</p>
<hr/><p class="align-justify">Jaemin hears his cell phone ringing in the background but he still doesn't want to wake up, because it is the only day that Jaemin can rest without having to think about the circus. The cell phone rings, rings, and rings. Reluctantly, Jaemin takes it and sees who is calling him.</p><p class="align-justify">"<strong>What do you want, Mark? You know I wake up at 10 on Mondays.</strong>" Jaemin says as he answers the phone.</p><p class="align-justify">"<strong>It's 11 o'clock.</strong>" Mark answers.</p><p class="align-justify">"<strong>Shut the fuck up.</strong>" Jaemin laughs, and he knows Mark would laugh with him, but he didn't. Something is not right. "<strong>Mark, what's wrong?</strong>"</p><p class="align-justify">"<strong>You know me, huh?</strong>" Mark laughs nervously. "<strong>Just... check out ShowYou magazine.</strong>"</p><p class="align-justify">Jaemin didn't get to talk before Mark cuts the call off. He gets up and puts on the first thing he finds, then fixes his pink hair, grabs his wallet and goes to the nearest store to buy the magazine. </p><p class="align-justify">"<em>I hate Mark.</em>" Jaemin thinks when he enters the store. He orders the famous ShowYou magazine and goes home. He makes himself some eggs and sits down to eat while he reads. He doesn't know why he listens to Mark. Why did Jaemin have to read that stupid magazine? Mark knows that Jaemin hates it. Everyone admires the people who write in that magazine for being fashionable predatory animals and pitiless with every show that goes on across the country. </p><p class="align-justify">Jaemin checks every page without paying much attention to the articles. "<em>They even criticize Lady Gaga</em>" He laughs at his thought. "<em>What the hell do they think they are?</em>"</p><p class="align-justify">Jaemin looks at the last page, and then he understands. He understands why Mark called him a thousand times and why he made him spend his little money on that damn magazine.</p><p class="align-center">"<em><strong>NaLand circus: nobody knows it and nobody should.</strong></em>"</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"<strong>I can't believe it.</strong>" Renjun says holding his head. </p>
<p>"<strong>Are you okay, Jaem?</strong>" Mark asks sitting in front of Jaemin.</p>
<p>Jaemin invited the boys to his house as soon as he finished reading the article about his circus. His chest tightened every time he read a word. Desperation took hold of him because he knows that article can cost him the circus. And he can't lose it. He can't because it's the only thing he has.</p>
<p>"<strong>The circus isn't that bad, is it?</strong>" Jaemin asks his friends.</p>
<p>The boys look at each other, and Jaemin knows what that means.</p>
<p>"<strong>Oh it's bad.</strong>" Jaemin says, putting his head between his legs. </p>
<p>Renjun, who is sitting next to him, puts his hand on the pink haired boy's back. "<strong>It's not bad, Jaem. But...</strong>" Renjun stops to think of the right words to say it.</p>
<p>"<strong>But the circus is not fresh.</strong>" Mark completes.</p>
<p>"<strong>You think I haven't thought about it?</strong>" Jaemin raises his head with tears forming in his eyes. His voice is full of pain. "<strong>I don't have the money, Mark. You fucking know that. The profits from the circus aren't enough to remodel it or hire more people. And it sucks.</strong>"</p>
<p>The boys do know that. Renjun and Mark were with him when Jaemin lost his parents, and they were with him when he took over the responsibility of owning the circus at age 18. The boys know how hard it has been for Jaemin to deal with every problem in the circus. The only day he rests in the week is on Mondays. On Tuesdays and Wednesdays he is dedicated to the promotion of the circus and the preparation of the shows. On Thursdays everyone meets for training, and Jaemin has to evaluate each performance. And the most difficult days for him are Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays, when the circus opens for the public.</p>
<p>The boys know how hard it is for him. And they know that the circus doesn't deliver the returns he would expect. Anyone would close it down, but Jaemin can't.</p>
<p>Renjun, besides being an acrobat, also works as a children's party entertainer. And Mark works as an English tutor for children and teenagers. They have other jobs that permit them to live comfortably, they have other things to do. But Jaemin has nothing else, because owning a circus is a full-time job. And he would never close his parents' circus.</p>
<p>So Renjun and Mark know that Jaemin cannot change the circus.</p>
<p>But maybe he can change something else.</p>
<p>"<strong>Jaemin, I have an idea.</strong>” Renjun says and Jaemin looks at him. Renjun can see how his friend's eyes light up with hope. A pinch of fear runs through the acrobat's body, fearing that his idea will be bad and break the illusions of the boy at his side. "<strong>Who wrote the article?</strong>" </p>
<p>Jaemin takes the magazine and searches for the author's name. "<strong>A stupid Lee Jeno. Why?</strong>"</p>
<p>"<strong>Go look for him. Try to get him to change his mind and make a better review. Or something like that. I know where the magazine's office is. I'm a fan.</strong>" Jaemin kills him with his eyes. "Not anymore." Renjun laughs nervously.</p>
<p>"<strong>That's actually a good idea, Jaem.</strong>" Mark says sitting next to him. </p>
<p>"<strong>We can go now.</strong>” Renjun proposes. "<strong>Mark can takes us in his car and then we can come and get you.</strong>"</p>
<p>Jaemin smiles and wipes away his tears that had started rolling down his cheeks.</p>
<p>Mark, for the first time in the day, sees in Jaemin the light that his eyes and face always give off. Mark can't help but look at Renjun and feel proud of him for finding a way to help his friend. But it's not a surprise. Renjun is always like that. Mark is happy that Jaemin - and himself - has Renjun as his friend. He's always there to support them, to make them feel safe. Renjun is perfect in Mark's eyes, as he's the perfect balance between seriousness and fun. Every time Mark sees Renjun do something for their friend - who needs them the most - he feels his heart racing and falls in love with Renjun a thousand times over.</p>
<p>Because as much as he doesn't want to, he can't avoid the fact that he's in love with one of his best friends.</p>
<p>Mark was so caught up in his thoughts that he doesn't realize that Jaemin had gone to his room and that Renjun was talking to him.</p>
<p>"<strong>Mark</strong>" Renjun calls him. </p>
<p>Mark shakes his head.</p>
<p>"<strong>I'm sorry, I was...</strong>"</p>
<p>"<strong>Yeah in your clown world, I know.</strong>" Renjun smiles. "<strong>I was saying if you want to go for ice cream while Jaemin talks to the ShowYou guy.</strong>"</p>
<p>Mark smiles too. "<strong>Like a date?</strong>" He jokes.</p>
<p>And it hurts him that it only has to be a joke</p>
<p>"<strong>Yeah, sure. And with kisses included.</strong>" Renjun jokes too and throws a kiss to Mark.</p>
<p>Mark hates this. He hates the fact that Renjun jokes with him, even though it is one of the things he likes the most about the acrobat boy. </p>
<p>And he hates that he can't do anything else but laugh.</p>
<p>After a few seconds, Jaemin returns from his room wearing a white shirt and blue jeans, ready to go out and find the boy who is about to ruin his life.</p>
<p>If he hasn't already.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jaemin is nervous. So fucking nervous. And every time he is nervous he bites his lips until they break. He knows that talking to this circus critic -or whatever he is- is important for the future of his circus. But even if it goes badly, he won't give up. Jaemin is like that. He never gives up. Maybe that's why his parents decided to inherit the circus to him, or maybe it was because they didn't have anyone else.</p><p>Jaemin likes to think more about the first option.</p><p>The pink-haired boy enters the building leaving his friends behind, and asks the receptionist for the ShowYou magazine office. She tells him it's on the sixth floor.</p><p>Jaemin gets on the elevator and presses the button with a 6 on it.</p><p>What will he tell the boy? The sad story of his life? That his parents died and the circus is all he has? He doesn't know. His nerves don't let him think properly. </p><p>The elevator door opens. </p><p>He can feel the heat seeping into his body, but he doesn't know if it's his nerves or the heater. Maybe both.</p><p>Jaemin approaches the receptionist, who was looking at the monitor.</p><p>"<strong>Good morning. I'm looking for Lee Jeno.</strong>” Jaemin says with a small smile drawn on his face.</p><p>"<strong>He doesn't take meetings with fans.</strong>” The receptionist replies without taking his eyes off the screen.</p><p>"<em>This asshole has fans?</em>" Jaemin thinks, but still, he just shakes his head and keeps his gentle smile.</p><p>"<strong>I am not a fan. I want to talk with Lee Jeno about... business matters.</strong>" </p><p>"<strong>As far as I remember I didn't have another meeting today.</strong>” Someone says behind Jaemin.</p><p>The boy turns around and sees a black-haired boy standing in front of him with a serious look on his face. In Jaemin's eyes the boy looks older than him by the way he dresses, with his blue suit stretched out and a shiny watch in his hand. But judging by his face, they must both be about the same age. </p><p>Jaemin feels his heart racing. But he doesn't know if it's because of the situation or because of how imposing the boy is in front of him. </p><p>"<strong>Are you...?</strong>"</p><p>"<strong>Yes, I am Lee Jeno.</strong>" The boy interrupts. "<strong>I had a meeting scheduled with you?</strong>" he asks.</p><p>"<strong>No, but...</strong>"</p><p>"<strong>So?</strong>" The boy interrupts again.</p><p>Jaemin is patient and respectful. But he can't stand arrogant people. His nerves are gone and all he feels now is irritation.</p><p>He is starting to hate the fact that he has to ask this boy for help.</p><p>"<strong>I'll be honest with you.</strong>" Jaemin says confident. He's not going to be intimidated by an idiot like him. "<strong>I didn't know about you until about two hours ago, but you reviewed my circus yesterday and...</strong>"</p><p>"<strong>You want me to change my mind.</strong>" Jeno says with a mischievous smile. "<strong>Yes, because that’s my job, actually. To give bad opinions about events and then take them back, and then publish a good opinion and make everyone happy.</strong>"</p><p>Jaemin is patient and respectful. But he can't stand people who are disrespectful to him. </p><p>Jaemin tries again.</p><p>"<strong>I know that's not your job, and maybe people come by every day asking you to change your mind.</strong>”</p><p>"<strong>You're right.</strong>"</p><p>Jaemin closes his eyes and sighs. He is starting to think that the boy is enjoying the situation.</p><p>"<strong>But I need a good review.</strong>"</p><p>"<strong>Everyone wants a good review.</strong>”</p><p>"<strong>I don't. I never wanted to appear in this magazine, I'm not even interested in good reviews. I just want to keep my circus, but a bad review makes it even more difficult.</strong>”</p><p>Jaemin wanted to sound as mature as possible.</p><p>"<strong>It's your circus?</strong>" Jeno asks, and for the first time, Jaemin sees a bit of humanity in his look. </p><p>Jaemin nods. "<strong>I am Na Jaemin, and NaLand is my circus.</strong>"</p><p>Jeno remains silent. He doesn't know what to say. He knows he's been a jerk to the boy in front of him - as he has to everyone who has asked him the same favor - and even if it bothers him to be like that, he would never admit it. So asking for forgiveness is not an option. But knowing that a boy as young as he is owns a circus, even if it is a small one, makes him want to reconsider the issue or at least give him some space in his time.</p><p>Because he can relate to the fact of being young and be afraid of losing everything.</p><p>So maybe he should listen to him. Jeno knows that he is an asshole, but even though no one in his life believes it, he is also human, he also has feelings - apart from hatred.</p><p>"<strong>I'm going to eat now.</strong>" Jeno says after looking at his watch. "<strong>You can come or reserve an hour with me for another day.</strong>”</p><p>Jaemin wants to shout for joy. Knowing that he has a choice to fix everything makes him want to go with his friends and eat ice cream until he gets tired. But he can't show it - nor can he go with his friends.</p><p>"<strong>I can go with you now.</strong>" Jaemin agrees.</p><p>And Jaemin sees a ghost smile across Jeno's face. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>They left the building without speaking. And Jaemin hates that. He's the kind of person who loves to talk and meet new people. He likes to make new friends and joke with them - he's a clown after all.</p><p>But Jeno is not like that, and Jaemin knew that instantly. </p><p>So Jaemin was grateful that the place where they are going to eat was just a few steps away from the building. </p><p>It's a very big place. In Jaemin's eyes, it is really fancy, but the truth is that it is not. It's a nice place, and of course a bit expensive, but it's not exclusive either. </p><p>But Jaemin doesn't know that, and wonders if Jeno always eats there.</p><p>"<strong>Have you eaten in this place before?</strong>" Jeno asks, already sitting at a table. These are his first words after leaving the office.</p><p>Jaemin denies with his head shyly.</p><p>And they are silent again.</p><p>The pink-haired boy looks at the place again, and for him it's like a new world. Jaemin is not poor, but he knows he couldn't eat in a place like this every day, either because of his lack of money or because he doesn't have time.</p><p>"<strong>I will pay.</strong>" Jeno says as if he reads Jaemin's mind, as he takes the menu on the table.</p><p>Jaemin, at first, is embarrassed. But why should he be? Jeno invited him, and even if he wanted to pay, he couldn't for his money. Besides, Jeno has been a jerk to him.</p><p>"<strong>Thank you.</strong>" Jaemin answers politely. </p><p>He takes another menu. He had never eaten some of the dishes that are on there. He doesn't know what to choose. And he doesn't want to ask Jeno either because he'll probably say something rude. So he reads and reads until he finds something familiar, not realizing that the waitress has arrived at the table.</p><p>"<strong>I want two of these.</strong>" Jeno says. "<strong>And two glasses of wine, please.</strong>”</p><p>Jaemin looks up from the menu. He looks confused at the boy in front of him, and then looks at the waitress who had already made her way to another table.</p><p>"<strong>It's a good dish. You'll like it.</strong>" Jeno says without showing any expression on his face.</p><p>Jaemin can't help but smile and nod. He doesn't like the fact that Jeno ordered for him, but at the same time he saved him from having to choose one himself.</p><p>"<strong>Do you drink wine?</strong>" Jeno asks.</p><p>"<strong>Yes.</strong>” Jaemin says.</p><p>"<strong>That's good.</strong>" Jeno clears his throat. "<strong>So... what did you want to talk about?</strong>"</p><p>Jaemin clears his throat too.</p><p>"<strong>About your bad review of my circus.</strong>" </p><p>The waitress comes to put down the wine glasses. Jeno thanks her and then turns his attention to Jaemin. </p><p>"<strong>My circus is small. I don't understand why you gave a review of my circus for your prestigious magazine.</strong>” Jaemin says with a pinch of irony in his last words.</p><p>"<strong>You should thank me.</strong>" Jeno says before drinking his wine.</p><p>Jaemin laughs in annoyance. "<strong>What?</strong>"</p><p>"<strong>Why are you a circus owner at...?</strong>" Jeno asks, changing the subject.</p><p>"<strong>20.</strong>" Jaemin answers. "<strong>My parents died two years ago and I had to take over the circus. It's the only thing I have, and your review can make people not want to go.</strong>”</p><p>Jeno is silent. Not because he feels sorry for the boy, but because he knows what it is like to have a life without parents. But he can't erase his review from the magazine, much less change it. ShowYou is known to be ruthlessly critical, and rarely has it published anything good.</p><p>Jeno knows he fucked up.</p><p>"<strong>Your circus is really bad.</strong>" Jeno says, trying to hide the fact that he's kind of worried about the boy's situation. Because this is the way he relates to people anyway, even if he doesn't want to.</p><p>Jaemin looks at him indignantly, but just as the food arrives on the table, he has to force a smile on his face.</p><p>"<strong>There's nothing different about it than the old circuses.</strong>” Jeno begins to eat, while Jaemin hasn't even drunk some of his wine yet.</p><p>"<strong>And that makes it bad?</strong>" The irritation begins to be felt in his voice.</p><p>"<strong>No, in fact it would be a good thing if you intentionally imitate the antique circuses, but you don't. You present something old as if it were something completely new.</strong>"</p><p>Jeno shows no emotion in his face, as if his words did not cut Jaemin into small pieces. But they do.</p><p>"<strong>The children like it.</strong>" Jaemin responds annoyed.</p><p>"<strong>Children don't know what classic circuses are like. Obviously it's new to them. But the parents have seen the two-clown show a thousand times, and have seen the magic tricks the magician performs a thousand times too. The acrobat's show is good though, but only because it's always surprising to see people risking their lives to impress others.</strong>"</p><p>"<strong>The circus is for children, not for parents.</strong>"</p><p>"<strong>And that's the problem. Circuses have never been just for kids. Sure, they ask their parents to go to the circus, but they must also want to attend. And they have to be willing to come back. I only went once, but I guess you do the same show every day.</strong>”</p><p>Jaemin keeps his hands under the table, not wanting to even pick up the fork. And it doesn't bother him so much that Jeno is right. What bothers him the most is that even though Jeno is destroying every effort he has put into the circus for two years, the black-haired boy still feels like eating.</p><p>Jaemin sees in detail how the boy takes the food to his mouth.</p><p>"<strong>Does it taste good?</strong>” He asks with a sarcastic smile.</p><p>"<strong>I've eaten this dish hundreds of times. I should ask you that.</strong>” Jeno responds without bothering to look at Jaemin.</p><p>"<strong>I don't talk about the food.</strong>" Jaemin shakes his head, making Jeno raise his. Jaemin looks at him straight in the eye. "<strong>Does it taste good to ruin someone else's life?</strong>"</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jeno is silent as he looks at Jaemin. His plate is already empty, while the one of the boy in front of him is still full of food. </p><p>Jeno screams internally. He knows that, once again, he has ruined someone else's life. Once again, he hates his job with all his heart. And he hates his pride more than anything. </p><p>Jeno feels unable to decipher Jaemin's gaze. He wants to escape. Run, scream, run away. He prays that, out of nowhere, a hole will open up in the ground and he will swallow it deep down. But he knows that the world doesn’t work like that. The world doesn’t revolve around his desires. </p><p>Or apparently, for once in a lifetime, it does.</p><p>Jeno sees the door of the restaurant open and, as if he were an angel without wings but wearing a black suit with white stripes, his friend enters.</p><p>"<strong>Haechan!</strong>" Jeno exclaims once Haechan arrives at his side. "<strong>My dear friend.</strong>" The nerves can be recognized in his voice.</p><p>Haechan looks at him strangely, and then lays his eyes on Jaemin, who looks at him expectantly.</p><p>"<strong>I am Haechan.</strong>" He smiles at Jaemin. "<strong>I am Jeno's workmate.</strong>"</p><p>"<strong>A pleasure. I'm Jaemin.</strong>" The boy smiles back.</p><p>Haechan shifts his eyes from Jaemin to Jeno. </p><p>"<strong>Excuse me for interrupting your...</strong>"</p><p>"<strong>Work meeting.</strong>" Jeno completes. Haechan raises an eyebrow. <strong>"It was extraordinary.</strong>"</p><p>Haechan laughs softly.</p><p>"<strong>I see.</strong>" Haechan fixes his gaze on Jeno. “<strong>When I got to the office you were gone, so I assumed you were here. I wanted to ask you something about a review but since you are busy, we can talk later.</strong>"</p><p>Jaemin gets up from his chair, surprising Jeno.</p><p>"<strong>Don't worry, I'm leaving now.</strong>" Jaemin smiles at Haechan. "<strong>Nice to meet you.</strong>" He looks back at Jeno, erasing the smile on his face. "<strong>Thank you for the food and... your review.</strong>" </p><p>Jaemin leaves the restaurant, letting the mixture of anger and disappointment show in his eyes.</p><p>Haechan sits down where Jaemin was.</p><p>"<strong>Can I eat it?</strong>" He asks.</p><p>Jeno lets out breath that he didn't even know he was holding back.</p><p>"<strong>Yeah, he didn't even eat it anyway.</strong>"</p><p>"<strong>Good thing it was just a work meeting.</strong>" Haechan laughs. "<strong>If it had been a date it would have sucked.</strong>"</p><p>"<strong>Don't even say it.</strong>" Jeno chuckles. "<strong>The boy owns a circus and I just ruined everything for him.</strong>" Jeno shakes his head. "<strong>I love my job.</strong>" He says sarcastically.</p><p>"<strong>So young and a circus owner?</strong>" Haechan asks in surprise before starting to eat.</p><p>"<strong>Some of us don't get to live so easily.</strong>" Jeno says as he drinks the last drop of wine he has left. Haechan looks at him with pity, although he knows that was not Jeno's intention. "<strong>Whatever.</strong>" He shakes his head, changing the subject. "<strong>What do you want now?</strong>”</p><p>"<strong>Hey!</strong>" Haechan exclaims pretending to be outraged. "<strong>Don't be rude!</strong>"</p><p>"<strong>You never want to talk about work with me.</strong>” Jeno crosses his arms. "<strong>So what do you want?</strong>"</p><p>Haechan sighs.</p><p>"<strong>I need a boy. So bad. Like urgently. Desperately. As if it were the last thing I will ever have in my life. I can-</strong>"</p><p>"<strong>Okay, I get it.</strong>" Jeno interrupts him putting a hand in front of his face. "<strong>This is your way of asking me to be your boy?</strong>" Jeno winks at him.</p><p>Haechan rolls his eyes.</p><p>"<strong>You are in a forced and unloved marriage with your job. How long has it been since you slept with it?</strong>" Jeno looks at him seriously while Haechan laughs at his own joke, something he always does. "<strong>It was a good one, you have to admit. Anyway, I don't want you or anyone like you.”</strong> Jeno raises both eyebrows with an imperceptible smile on his face. "<strong>What? Yes, you're handsome, with a body sculpted by the gods and if we weren't friends I'd probably be married to you.</strong>”</p><p>"<strong>Thank you.</strong>" Jeno says with a proud smile.</p><p>"<strong>But I don't want a bitter boy suffering for his life.</strong>”</p><p>"<strong>Thank you again.</strong>” Jeno says ironically removing the smile from his face.</p><p>"<strong>I want a boy who won't give me more trouble than I already have with the stupid job. Ideally, it would be an adventure but I also want something with feelings, you know?</strong>"</p><p>Jeno smiles softly. "<strong>For feelings you have me.</strong>" He raises his empty glass to Haechan. </p><p>Haechan smiles too. "<strong>As you say.</strong>" He says as he raises his glass and then drinks the rest of the wine.</p><p>They continued talking until it was time to go back to the office.</p><p>They are entering the building when they see two boys heading towards them. Jeno looks at them from top to bottom, no offense intended, but it's already part of him having to analyze and judge everything he sees.</p><p>The taller boy, with black hair, is wearing a gray hoodie that, in Jeno's eyes, matches his black jeans very well. It's a casual look that Jeno would never wear, but it looks great on the boy. Next to him, the shorter boy with the blond hair is wearing a blue shirt and black jeans too.</p><p>The boys look great, and he's not the only one who thinks so. </p><p>"<strong>I was only asking for one boy, not two.”</strong> Haechan whispers to Jeno before the boys are close enough to hear him.</p><p>"<strong>Hello, do you work here?</strong>" The shorter boy asks. His voice is so soft that it sounds like he's singing a melody.</p><p>"<strong>Yes, cutie. Why?</strong>” Haechan answers with confidence and with a flirty smile. </p><p>Jeno rolls his eyes. "<em>Desperate</em>" He thinks.</p><p>The boy turns red, surprised, while the other boy looks at Haechan with a scowl. For a moment, Jeno fears that the two boys are dating and that his friend will have a hard time. </p><p>But suddenly, the taller boy speaks.</p><p>"<strong>We are looking for a friend, his name is Jaemin.</strong>” He sounds serious, irritated and angry.</p><p>Haechan looks at Jeno immediately. And for a strange reason that even he doesn't know, his cheeks start to turn red.</p><p>"<strong>He was with me, I'm Lee Jeno.</strong>” He says without any expression on his face. That is his defense mechanism.</p><p>Both boys' mouths open, realizing who they were talking to.</p><p>"<strong>So you are Lee Jeno. The boy who...</strong>"</p><p>"<strong>Mark.</strong>" The younger boy interrupts the other boy, almost killing him with his gaze before looking at Jeno again. "<strong>Do you know where he is?</strong>”</p><p>Jeno can feel the guilt returning to his body as he remembers Jaemin.</p><p>"<strong>He just left. He didn't mention where.</strong>" </p><p>The boys looked at each other and turned to leave, but Jeno, without thinking, stopped them by grabbing the arm of the shorter boy, who seemed to be the nicer of the two. The boy turns and looks at Jeno with a mixture of confusion and fear.</p><p>Jeno, with his other hand, takes a business card out of his pocket. He always carries some with him for anything.</p><p>"<strong>Give him my number.</strong>" He stretches the card out to the other boy. "<strong>Tell him that... I think I have a solution for him.</strong>"</p><p>The boy in the blue shirt smiled politely at him before accepting the card, turning around and leaving with his friend in a car.</p><p>Jeno and Haechan enter the building and get on the elevator, without saying a word.</p><p>"<strong>What solution do you have?</strong>" Haechan asks suddenly once the elevator begins to rise.</p><p>Jeno shakes his head, worried.</p><p>"<strong>I don't know yet.</strong>”</p>
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<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi! I really liked writing this chapter, but since English is not my first language, I'm afraid I may have made some mistakes. Let me know!<br/>Also, I would like to know what you think about Renjun, Mark and Jaemin's friendship after reading the chapter. I really really like it but I don't know if I captured well the kind of friendship I want for them. ;(<br/>Anyway, thanks for reading!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jaemin's life is complicated, he is aware of that. At his age, he should be worried about what to do on a Friday night or how to dress for a date. But instead, he's worried about having to save his parents' circus because a fucking critic likes to say that things are crap. </p><p>When Jaemin was in middle school, he liked to go to drama club. That's where he met Mark. They became friends immediately because both knew how to make people laugh. They were the favorite duo in the whole school, and there wasn't anyone who didn't know that pair of playful little boys. </p><p>Jaemin's parents saw that the boy and his friend had great potential, so they began to include them in the circus environment. Jaemin was very happy. He was part of his parents' successful circus, and that made him feel really good, plus that going with Mark was even better. Every day after school they used to go to the circus and talk to the clowns, who were their favorites. From them, they learned everything they know about being a clown - even though the talent for making people laugh was innate.</p><p>One day, Jaemin's parents invited the boy's school to attend a show. Jaemin was thrilled: at last the school could see his family's great circus! He was really proud of it. He found it great, and he felt special because all of his friends' parents had boring jobs, while his owned a circus.</p><p>The day the school attended the show, everyone was amazed with it. As people were leaving, Jaemin and Mark heard such good comments that they immediately knew what they wanted to do forever in their lives: clowns.</p><p>The next day, when they went to school, all their classmates were congratulating Jaemin for having a great circus, and he loved that. But the most precious memory for Jaemin of that day, was when he and Mark were leaving school and a boy approached them. He was thin and smaller than the other two, although he was the same age as them. </p><p>"<strong>You're Jaemin, aren't you? The one from the circus?</strong>" The kid asks with a soft voice.</p><p>Jaemin nods with his usual sweet smile. </p><p>"<strong>I liked the show of the acrobats, and... I want to be one now.</strong>" He says shyly.</p><p>Jaemin looks at the boy from top to bottom as he frowned. Mark, at his side, was quietly looking at the boy in front of them. He found it curious and interesting that he wants to be an acrobat, because it looks really risky. Maybe the boy liked danger, but even so, Mark was not able to understand why anyone would want to risk his life. </p><p>"<strong>You're too little to be an acrobat.</strong>" Jaemin responds seriously, but then the usual grin comes back. "<strong>But my parents' friends can teach you! Let's be friends!</strong>" Jaemin exclaims excitedly, causing the younger boy to be surprised. </p><p>Jaemin wraps his left arm around the boy's shoulders. "<strong>What's your name?</strong>" He asks.</p><p>"<strong>Renjun.</strong>" The boy says with a little more confidence in his voice.</p><p>"<strong>Great! As you know, I am Jaemin and he is Mark.</strong>" Jaemin says, and with his right arm hugs Mark by the arm. "<strong>You can come with us to the circus every day! It's the coolest thing! Although being an acrobat is difficult, but we'll help you. We want to be clowns! Did you know that...?</strong>"</p><p>And that's how little Mark, Renjun and Jaemin met. And from that day on, they became inseparable. Every afternoon they would go to the circus and have fun as if there was no tomorrow.</p><p>But like all children, they grew up. High school is a completely different world. And the circus wasn't what they loved most anymore, although they didn't stop going. Their dreams were still to work in the circus, but they weren't as into it as when they were little. </p><p>The three boys were the most popular. They were the souls of the parties, and it was impossible for them to miss any. Jaemin had at least two dates a week, Renjun was always going from one boyfriend to another, and Mark... well, Mark was a different case. He never accepted invitations to date, but maybe that was the reason - apart from his handsome face - why he was so attractive to people.</p><p>So life was about parties, laughter and alcohol. And Jaemin loved that. The circus was great, but the parties were even more so. Making a few people laugh was cool, but making out with strangers and dancing in a club was cooler. And because of that, Jaemin was moving further and further away from the circus.</p><p>Just when he shouldn’t.</p><p>It was a night when Jaemin was out with the boys, drinking in a park near the school. Renjun was making out with his new boyfriend of the week while Jaemin was talking to Mark to distract him from the scene in front of his eyes. And that's when Jaemin gets a call. And everything was fucked up. </p><p>He always remembers himself running, without even thinking about where his feet were taking him. From one second to the next, Jaemin and the boys were no longer in the park. The three of them, full of sweat and fear eating their souls, entered the police station which had indicated to Jaemin in the call. </p><p>He really wanted to cry. That's what he should do, right? Cry and scream. But he couldn't. His body froze and he turned around to go to his house. To his empty house. </p><p>The boys wanted to take him to the hospital, but Jaemin didn't react. His legs just followed the road home.</p><p>But once he reached his door, Jaemin felt unable to open it. And that's when he falls. Renjun and Mark always followed behind him, so they were able to take care of him.</p><p>They not only helped him to get up, but also not to fall into a black hole with no way out. </p><p>No need to say that night was long. Jaemin doesn't remember much about that night, but he does have the image in his head of Renjun and Mark doing the paperwork and things people do when... someone dies.</p><p>He remembers that Renjun called his parents, and Mark did the same. And they helped him with everything that was involved in his parents' death. Renjun's mother paid for a psychologist for Jaemin and Mark's parents offered him to stay in their home.</p><p>Jaemin couldn't have gotten out of that hell if it weren't for his two best friends.</p><p>Jaemin was staying at Mark's house when a lawyer looked for him a few days after the accident. And that's when he finds out that, at 18, he owns a circus. </p><p>He didn't know what to do. How could he keep a circus, if all he knows is how to be a damn clown?</p><p>Weeks went by, and a lot of people who work in the circus retired. Jaemin understood, because what is the future of a circus run by an 18-year-old? </p><p>But then, Renjun and Mark came to save him again. They both talked to some people from the circus, who agreed to stay for respect to the Na family. They got the magician, the host, two jugglers and two acrobats. There were none clowns, so Mark told Jaemin that they both could be, and Renjun would work with the acrobats.</p><p>In Jaemin's eyes, it all seemed like a good idea. He only had to take a cheap course in finance and business to be able to officially open the circus. At first no one was going, but after Jaemin started promoting it on the streets, things were getting better. And so it has been for two years.</p><p>The boy knows that the circus is no big deal, but he never expected anyone to give him a bad review.</p><p>So there he is, in his room and full of desire to leave everything. But as always, Renjun and Mark come to get him out of the mess that is his life. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>What do you think about Renjun, Mark and Jaemin's friendship? Let me now! &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Renjun and Mark sit one on each side of Jaemin, who is sitting on the edge of his bed. Renjun, on his right side, puts his hand on Jaemin's back. </p>
<p>"<strong>Jaem.</strong>" He says with his characteristic gentle voice. "<strong>We are here,</strong>" He whispers. "<strong>Look at me.</strong>"</p>
<p>Jaemin has his head hidden between his arms that hold it, with his elbows resting on his knees. He doesn’t want to lift it, he doesn’t want to face the situation. But Renjun knows his friend and his way of dealing with problems, so he knows how to help him. He knows how to get Jaemin out of the black hole that has been open since the death of his parents.</p>
<p>"<strong>You are not alone.</strong>" Renjun brings his body closer to the boy next to him, this time wrapping his arm around his shoulders. "<strong>Do you remember what I told you that night, Jaem?</strong>"</p>
<p>Of course he does. On the night of the accident, when Jaemin was on the ground in front of his house and the boys' arms were holding him, Renjun leaned his forehead against Jaemin's and spoke with tears forming in his eyes.</p>
<p>"<strong><em>I'm not leaving, Jaem. Mark won't either. We will always be by your side, and we’ll get through this together as well as all the difficult things that come into our lives. But for that, we don't have to abandon ourselves, we don't have to let ourselves be carried away by the things that torment us.</em></strong>” Jaemin felt Renjun's tears falling on his face. “<em><strong>Don't abandon yourself, Jaem. Don't abandon me.</strong></em>"</p>
<p>And that's when he realized that he shouldn't let himself fall. </p>
<p>While Jaemin remembers Renjun's words of that night, Mark takes his hands and keeps them among his own, making Jaemin finally raise his head. Renjun steps aside a little and draws a soft smile on his face. Mark smiles too.</p>
<p>But their smiles disappear when they see that Jaemin's eyes are red, and his nose is also a little red at the tip. Mark gets up and stands in front of Jaemin, then bends down and, with his hoodie sleeve, wipes the tears from his face. </p>
<p>Renjun has always been the one with words and Mark the one with actions.</p>
<p>"<strong>I'm sorry, guys. I know I'm a mess right now.</strong>" Jaemin says as he gasps for breath after crying.</p>
<p>Renjun smiles as he reaches into his pockets.</p>
<p>"<strong>Not anymore.</strong>" Jaemin turns his head to look at Renjun, who stretches out a card to him. "<strong>It's from the ShowYou guy.</strong>”</p>
<p>Jaemin takes the card in both hands. "<em>Jeno Lee. ShowYou Magazine reviewer.</em>" He reads, followed by a phone number and address of his office building.</p>
<p>"<strong>Why do you have this?</strong>" Jaemin asks with a scowl, pointing to the card.</p>
<p>"<strong>He gave it to me. Coincidentally we met outside the building.</strong>" Renjun stands up and takes Jaemin's cell phone from the desk. "<strong>Call him.</strong>" He stretches it out to him. </p>
<p>Jaemin looks at Renjun in fear, which always makes Mark's heart turn. He is still kneeling in front of the pink haired boy, and he takes his hands again. Jaemin's eyes shine like two stars left in the dark. They are the living image of the mixture between fear and hope, and Mark doesn't like to see them. But not because they are not beautiful, they are. Everything about Jaemin is beautiful. It's just that Mark doesn't like to see him like this.</p>
<p>Before that night, he had never seen Jaemin cry. He always used to smile and give love to the people around him. And Jaemin became a light in Mark's life, and not only that, but also his source of warmth. </p>
<p>But after that, something in Jaemin did not shine in the same way again. As if a part of him had left with his parents, as if something in him would never shine again. And even though Mark understands and knows that Jaemin is strong, even though his smile still gives color and hope to his life, he fears that one day his friend will not smile anymore.</p>
<p>He fears that one day, Jaemin will forget how to smile.</p>
<p>"<strong>I guess I don't lose anything.</strong>" Jaemin takes his hands off of Mark's and grabs his cell phone. "<strong>Well, I can lose the circus.</strong>" He smiles sadly.</p>
<p>Jaemin dials the number on the card and calls. After a few seconds, he hears the voice of the boy he met earlier.</p>
<p>“<em><strong>Hello?</strong></em>”</p>
<p>"<strong>Is this Lee Jeno?</strong>" Jaemin asks with a tight chest.</p>
<p>"<strong><em>Yes, may I know who I'm talking to?</em></strong>" His voice sounds as serious as it does in person.</p>
<p>"<strong>Hmmm... I'm Na Jaemin, I had lunch with you a while ago.</strong>"</p>
<p>"<strong><em>Oh, I guess your friend passed you the card.</em></strong>"</p>
<p>"<strong>Yes, hm...</strong>" Jaemin thinks about what to say. And then he realizes he doesn't even know why he's calling him.</p>
<p>But suddenly, Jeno speaks. "<em><strong>I've been thinking and... I think I have a solution for you.</strong></em>"</p>
<p>Jaemin's heart began to beat so hard that his hands began to tremble. Mark and Renjun look at each other, wondering why the boy is like this. </p>
<p>The boy takes a deep breath and lets it out, calming his body.</p>
<p>"<strong>What solution?</strong>" </p>
<p>"<em><strong>I don't know if it's a good solution, it's the first time I've done this. But I thought that... as I know about good events and circuses,</strong></em>" Jaemin would roll his eyes, but his nerves won't even let him move a finger. "I thought I could help you put on a good show."</p>
<p>Jaemin remains silent.</p>
<p>"<strong><em>I thought that...</em></strong>" Jeno coughs. "<em><strong>That I could go see your circus every Friday and evaluate the weak points of the circus. That way you can improve little by little.</strong></em>"</p>
<p>Jaemin is frozen into disbelief at the suggestion of the boy on the other line.</p>
<p>"<strong>I don't have money to make changes in the circus.</strong>” He answers in a serious tone.</p>
<p>Jeno doesn't make a sound, which makes Jaemin nervous again.</p>
<p>"<em><strong>I can help you with that.</strong></em>"</p>
<p>Jaemin looks at the boys standing in front of him. He frowned.</p>
<p>"<strong>I'm not a work of charity, Mr. Lee.</strong>" He responds by replacing his nerves with a growing sense of anger.</p>
<p>"<strong><em>I know. I'm not going to give you money. The only thing you have to do is open the circus on Friday.</em></strong>"</p>
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